(Past editions can be viewed on http://www.asiaconference.biz)
Quote of the month
"Violence is the last resort of the weak", ANON
The 2004 Asian Marine Insurance and Surveying Forum will be held at
the Sofitel Hotel, Silom, Bangkok, Thailand, on 25 and 26 November.
Theme: Challenges for the Marine Loss Prevention Industry.
Delegate Fee : USD 595 (2 days)
Those interested in attending should contact Ms Astor Tsang at Asia Conferences:
marine@asiaconference.biz
Those interested in giving a paper at the conference should contact Mike
Wall at mikewall@so-net.com.hk
CONTENTS (for full stories, select a headline)
- At the bow - Registration is free! New members.
- Spindrift - Shoot pirates on sight. Plug in ships at LA. Engineer found guilty of dumping. Coastal aid. Gangway faulty, Officer deported after phone call. Blast alarm. Shipping bubble could burst. Lifetime ban.
- Contributions - Better measures come as standard by Lintec Testing Services.
- Comment -Fragrant harbour?
- Scuttlebutt - AIMS Biennial Conference.
- Insurance News - None this month.
- Wig & Gown - Malaysian carrier wins C$6 million in damages from Canadian Governement.
- Education and Training - Quantitative fatigue and fracture assessment. Chart correction standards.
- Epistles - None this month.
- People - None this month.
- Books - Masters' guide to berthing. World Shipping Directory 2004-2005.
- Useful web sites for marine surveyors.
- Conference reports - None this month.
- IMO Conventions - Updates.
- Future events - Some upcoming events which might be of interest to marine surveyors.
- From the Poop Deck - Poem for computer users over 50. Commentator gaffs. Art Appreciation.
FLASHLIGHT is a free monthly emailed newsletter for Marine Surveyors.
It is circulated to anybody who wishes to receive a copy, eg, Marine Surveyors,
P&I Clubs, their correspondents, Underwriters, Professional Institutes,
Admiralty Lawyers, etc. Please pass it on to any of your contacts who
you feel might be interested in receiving it. If you do not wish to be
included in the circulation list, please contact the Editor at the email
address below. Letters, opinions and articles relating to our profession
are welcomed for the newsletter.
New Members this month:
Capt. Ervin J. F. Trem Maritime Sdn. Bhd. Port Klang, Malaysia Diana
Shalayeva, Vetting division, Latvian Shipping Company, Latvia.
Shoot pirates on sight: Naval Chief
AS piracy attacks mount in the Indonesian side of the 900-km Malacca Straits,
the country's naval chief has called for pirates to be shot on sight.
“If they are caught alive, they would get, at the most, three months
in jail. After that, they go pirating again,” Admiral Bernard Kent
Sondakh is reported to have said in reports from Jakarta yesterday. Sondakh
has proposed a joint task force to patrol the Malacca Straits, but made
it clear that such a force should only include personnel from the nations
bordering the Straits: Indonesia, Malaysia and Singapore. The task force
would be sufficient to police the busy trade lane, Sondakh said. Other
countries could provide intelligence, equipment and expertise, but not
forces, he emphasised. Malaysia holds a similar view, but Singapore feels
that available resources may not be adequate, and active international
support including that of the US would be needed to curb the pirate menace
and ensure against possible terrorist attacks at sea.
Plug-in ships at LA
WHEN China Shipping's container ship Xin Yang Zhou ties up this weekend
at Los Angeles and shuts down its engines, its power will be provided
from shoreside rather than from onboard generators. This pilot system
is part of Los Angeles mayor James Hahn’s drive to reduce pollution.
So rather than running diesel-powered generators while in port, the ship
will tie into the Los Angeles power grid which gets its electricity from
a system that relies primarily on hydroelectric and nuclear power. China
Shipping has agreed to equip five of its ships to participate in the new
system and Maersk has already installed the shoreside system at its quays,
port spokesman Theresa Adams Lopez said, adding that several other lines
are also looking into the system. The new system will be launched at a
ceremony on Monday. The move follows the Port of Gothenburg recently winning
an EU Clean Marine Award for shore-to-ship electrical feeding.
Engineer guilty of oil dumping
The chief engineer of the Singapore-flagged tanker Aral Sea has pleaded
guilty in a US Federal Court in Maine for his role in concealing overboard
discharges of oil-contaminated bilge water. Jarnail Singh now faces a
maximum penalty of up to five years imprisonment, a fine up to $250,000
and probation for up to three years, according to Thomas Sansonetti, the
assistant US attorney prosecuting the case. The investigation began on
21 May when a Coast Guard inspection team found waste oil in the overboard
piping of the vessel managed by Tanker Pacific Management. According to
court documents, Singh was asked about the operation of the oil water
separator and said it was working properly. He also presented the oil
log book, which created the false impression that the ship's equipment
was being operated properly. Upon further investigation, the Coast Guard
learned that Singh had directed that the separator be 'tricked', which
allowed oil in excess of the legal limits to be discharged overboard.
(Lloyd's Register - Fairplay web links: news@fairplay.co.uk>
Coastal Aid
The EU has given the go-ahead to a new aid scheme to encourage UK freight
to move by water instead of on the roads. The EC has stated that Waterborne
Freight Grant Scheme, to vover as much as 30% of operating costs for coastal,
short sea and inland waterway services, would be approved as long as the
support resulted in 'worthwhile and quantifiable UK environmental benefits'
Gangway faulty
A design fault has been blamed for the collapse of a gangway linking the
QM2 with the quayside at the Chantiers de l'Atlantique shipyard last year
in which 15 people died and 28 were injured. An investigation has concluded
that the gangway had a structural defect.
Officer deported after phone call
A Russian Chief Officer was recently deported from the USA for making
a phone call ashore. The Maltese flagged vessel had arrived in Port Arthur,
Texas, on a a Saturday and staff from the US Customs and Border Protection
Agency were not due to process the papers until the Monday. The officer
was detained after being spotted using a pay phone 20 m from his ship.
He was detained overnight before being flown home and none of the other
crew were allowed aashore after the incident. Various organisations have
described the incident as outrageous and expressed the need for the speedy
adoptioin of the international agreement on seafarer identity documents.|
Blast alarm
The explosion of a propane tank inside a container at the port of Los
Angeles should be a 'wake-up call' for the Bush adminsitration and the
port industray. The blast occurred inside an uninspected container that
also lacked documentation regarding its contents. The incident illustrates
the need for port security in the USA and for containerized cargoes to
have appropriate documentation.
Shipping bubble could burst
A leading international shipbrokng firm has expressed concern that the
maritime sector could suffer a sudden downswiing. In its latest assessment
of the industry, Paris based Barry Rogliano Salles said 2003 was an exceptional
year, largely as a result of big increases in trade between China and
the rest of the world, especially in dry bulk, oil and container shipping.
Markets are expected to remain steady this year but BRS warns that the
bubble may bursts as a result of record ship ordering during 2003, owners
having ordered some 3,500 vessels totalling 115 m GRT.
Lifetime ban
Three officers who were serving on board the Greek ferry 'Express Samina'
which sank in September 2000 with the loss of 82 lives, have had their
certificates withdrawn for life.
The Greek Merchant Marine disciplinary council found the men guilty of
extreme negligence in connection with the disaster in which the 34 year
old ferry sank after hitting rocks off the Aegean island of Paros. The
council also suspended the licence of the ship's chief engineer for 3
years. The four officers are also facing criminal charges and could be
sentenced to 10 years in prison if found guilty.
(With thanks to the NUMAST Shipping Telegraph)
Better measures come as standard
More and more emphasis is being put on standards for the marine fuels
supply chain. But despite the increasing development of measures to police
the bunker delivery process, such as Singapore's CP60 and CP77, a critical
question remains: Will future bunker deliveries necessarily be of better
quality?
The answer is that although standards will certainly have a positive effect
on managing and controlling the bunkering process, they will not mean
that future bunker deliveries will be of better quality.
There has been an increase in the amount of offspec bunkers delivered
to ships in 2003, compared to 2002 and marine fuel quality is likely to
decrease further in the years to come. The oil producers will find better
and more efficient refining techniques to help them maximise the output
of white products, and this will leave an ever deteriorating residual
stream of fuel products for the shipping industry.
However, compulsory standards for the delivery process will have a great
impact in other areas. When offspec fuels are encountered, it will be
easier for the vessel owners to pursue any claim against the supplier.
This is because the new standards are geared to collecting and documenting
evidence during the delivery process.
A single custody transfer sample from the ship's manifold is a good example.
This will improve the pursuit of potential claims by collecting a sample
that is recognised by all parties, and can be used to determine the quality
of the fuel delivered. As it is the only recognised sample of the bunker
delivery between barge and vessel, this type of sample greatly improves
the likelihood of a successful claim against the suppliers by the owners
in the eventuality of offspec fuel.
Singapore has been the pioneer of bunker standards, but other ports such
as Gibraltar and New York have been following suit, and show that increasing
bunker delivery standards are a global trend.
Singapore's CP60 was implemented by the MPA in 1997. It laid down the
minimum requirements for bunkering, such as proper documentation and verification
during the delivery operation. In 2002 the CP60 was updated to include
custody transfer sampling.
Singapore's CP77 was implemented in 1999 and laid out guidelines for quantity
surveyors on how to conduct a survey and document the amount of fuel delivered.
And in 2002, Singapore introduced an accreditation scheme to license local
suppliers. The new accreditation scheme becomes compulsory in 2005 and
has three components: Firstly, suppliers need to have a minimum paid up
capital of SG1D 200,000. Secondly, all suppliers will have to implement
a quality management system for the bunker supply chain (QMBS). And thirdly,
key performance indicators will be used by the MPA based on a merit/demerit
system, to recognise the good suppliers and to deter the bad.
These measures leave no ambiguity as to what the quality or quantity of
the fuel was at the time of custody transfer and would provide the necessary
evidence for owners to claim in the event of off spec fuel being delivered.
The standards that Singapore has pioneered should be welcomed with open
arms, as their aim is clearly in line with bunker claims management. To
this end, collecting the necessary evidence showing the quality and quantity
of the fuel supplied and the use of recognised independent laboratory
analysis would greatly minimise any delays in pursuing a claim.
sp@lintec-group.com
(Courtesy of 'Testing Times", the Lintec Testing Services Newsletter.)
Your editor has had the privilege and pleasure to reside in Hong Kong
for 12 years, for most of it in close proximity to the harbour (otherwise
he gets withdrawal symptoms!). He has followed with close interest the
developments in MARPOL and the effects on international shipping. Hong
Kong is at the forefront of adopting most international conventions but
it appears somewhat hypocritical that international shipping is subject
to stringent regulations relating to the disposal of garbage, etc, whilst
in Hong Kong waters with the harbour full of garbage disposed of mainly
by its shoreside residents. Hope is at hand as the Government has just
announced an initiative to clean up the 'Fragrant harbour'. Mind you,
we have had these initiatives many times before with little effect.
ED: Readers are welcome to add their comments here on our profession and
industry.
5 July 2004: Xinhua News Agency has reported that SS Oriana has sunk
at Dalian, PRC. She was damaged during a storm on 17 June which resulted
in a 2.2 meter gash in her bow, causing her lower decks to flood, resulting
her listing. As photographs on www.ssmaritime.com/orianatdalian.htm prove,
she was still listing on June 26 and salvage works had begun and the gash
had been repaired.
(Courtesy of maritimeworld@optusnet.com.au)
AIMS Biennial Conference: "Managing Risks with Container Cargoes" 12th. August 2004, Carlton Crest Hotel, 169-179 Thomas Street, Sydney. A$120 fee. Delegate numbers are limited so please register early to avoid disappointment.
Authorised by Australasian Institute of Marine Surveyors Inc. P.O.Box 53, Berowra, N.S.W. 2081
For further information contact Mike Bozier at bozier@pobox.com
None this month.
Malaysian carrier wins C$6m in damages from Canadian Government.
By Selva Kumar
THE owners of a Malaysian-registered bulk carrier that was detained for
over four months in Canada after a safety inspection have successfully
sued the Canadian government for negligence, winning almost C$6 million
(S$7.5 million) in damages and interests.
The vessel involved, Lantau Peak, arrived at Vancouver on April 5, 1997,
to repair a few hull frames and later load coal for a return voyage to
Japan. Immediately after it was berthed for repairs, the vessel was inspected
by Canadian government inspectors and detained until Aug 13, 1997, when
it was allowed to sail to China for repairs required by the terms of its
release.
The detention was imposed primarily because the ship's hull frames were
corroded beyond what was considered by the inspectors to be an acceptable
tolerance limit, namely, 17 per cent of the original thickness. The owners
of Lantau Peak objected, but in the end repaired under protest to a lesser
standard imposed, which they still felt was unreasonable, as it was not
in accord with the standards of their vessel's classification society.
The vessel owners sued the Canadian government for damages for negligence.
The Canadian government argued that as the inspectors acted under the
Canada Shipping Act they could not be sued for negligence.
In April 2004, the Federal Court of Canada ruled that the detention was
not under the authority of the Canada Shipping Act, and the Canadian government
was liable for negligence. The court noted that the vessel's condition
had been monitored by several organisations before its detention. This
included its flag state, its Japanese classification society (Class NK),
and its insurer (the UK Mutual Steam Ship Assurance Association).
The court also accepted evidence that there was nothing haphazard or careless
about the vessel's maintenance programme; the vessel was 'class maintained'
at all times and all statutory certificates were valid and in force on
arrival in Vancouver.
After the vessel was detained, the owners appealed to the Canadian government
to reconsider the 17 per cent corrosion limit, as it was unreasonable.
They also argued that the proper limit should be the standard of their
classification society. In fact, within a month of the detention order,
Class NK had notified the Canadian government that its corrosion limit
for hull frames was 25 per cent of the original thickness for the faceplate
and 7.5 mm minimum thickness for the web. Nevertheless, within a few of
weeks of the detention, the vessel owners agreed to repair the vessel
to a certain level in Vancouver but requested that the balance of the
repairs be done in Shanghai to Class NK standards. The repairs would have
cost only US$1 million in China compared to about US$4 million in Vancouver.
In support of the owner's position, Class NK supplied certificates and
calculations to demonstrate that the vessel was in good order to make
a transpacific voyage to China. However, it was not until July 18, 1997,
that the Canadian government wrote to the vessel owners that the corrosion
tolerance limit would be raised from 17 to 25 per cent and allowed the
vessel to sail to China for repairs. But the Canadian government required
any frame corroded beyond 33 per cent to be replaced in Vancouver before
the vessel could sail to China.
In its defence to the negligence action, the Canadian government argued
that it was done under the Canada Shipping Act and this fact alone would
block any action against it for negligence. However, the vessel owners
successfully argued that although Section 310 of the Act allowed inspectors
to board, inspect and detain vessels, the inspection and detention requirements
for non-Canadian vessels were governed by other instruments that did not
apply to Lantau Peak.
The court ruled that the detention could only have been done under the
International Convention for the Safety of Life at Sea 1974 (Solas). Unde
Regulation 19 (in Chapter 1 of Part B of the Annex to the Solas Convention),
every ship when in a port of another party is subject to control, but
this was only to verify that its Solas certificates were valid. The certificates,
if valid, shall be accepted unless there are 'clear grounds' for believing
that the condition of the ship or of its equipment does not correspond
substantially with the particulars of any certificate. The regulation
also states that all possible efforts shall be made to avoid a ship being
unduly detained or delayed. If a ship was unduly detained or delayed 'it
shall be entitled to compensation for any loss or damage suffered'.
Having established that there was no statutory bar to a negligence action,
the court went on to consider whether the inspectors and the Canadian
government had, in fact, been negligent. The court ruled that the Canadian
government knew that the detention would result in the vessel losing income
and the cost differential for repair work in China instead of Canada was
significant.
'On this basis there is no doubt that the harm complained of in the present
case, being the additional repair expenses, off-hire losses, and related
damages, were reasonably foreseeable,' said the court.
It said it would not be unreasonable to impose a duty of care on the Canadian
government because 'but for the actions' of its inspectors the vessel
would have repaired its frames as originally planned and would have sailed
with cargo destined for Japan without any delay.
The court stressed that there was no policy reason to restrict an inspector's
duty of care to shipowners. Parties to the Solas Convention have agreed
that the safety of the ships of their flags are their joint responsibility,
but none of them has agreed that this responsibility can be carried out
in a negligent manner, said the court.
The court found that inspectors did not apply the 17 per cent corrosion
limit to Canadian-flag vessels, and concluded that the arbitrary imposition
of a 17 per cent standard with no regard to applicable class rules was
a breach of their duty of care. All ships are guided by classification
standards and safety certificates are issued according to these standards.
Any inspector who wanted to question these standards will have to adequately
verify his conclusions. 'Picking a number out of thin air does not meet
this requirement,' said the court.
Berhad vs Canada, 2004 FC 501, Federal Court of Canada, April 5, 2004.
(Judgment available at www.canlii.org
)
A special course has been launched to help engineers, ship superintendents and naval architects responsible for vessel operation, maintenance and design to learn more about ship structure, fagighe and fracture. Provided by BMT Flett Technology Ltd, the courses aim to help with the practical implementation of new knowledge and technology in the field of quantitative fatigue and fracture assessment procedures.
A new refresher course has been launched by South Tyneside College in a bie to improve chart correction standards. Aimed at junior officers, the three day course is intended to help them make full and accurate use of the Admiralty Wellky Notices to mariners for updating chart corrections, charts, chart catalogues, temporary and preliminary notices, sailing directions, the list of lights and fog signals.
None this month.
None this month.
Master's Guide to Berthing
The Standard P&I Club's new book called "A Master's Guide to
Berthing" covers all aspects of the berthing operation, paying special
attention to the hazards that make this one of the more loss-prone aspects
of seafaring.
Eric Murdoch, the Club's loss prevention manager says "The purpose
of this guide is to provide some insight into what can go wrong and why,
why ships are designed the way they are, why they handle the way they
do and how to berth them."
The advice is backed up with a series of case histories and illustrated
by diagrams.
"On its own, the guide will not teach you how to become a ship handler,
but it does provide background material to help a good ship handler become
a better one", says Eric.
The guide was drawn up in consultation with leading experts, including
Capt. Chris Clarke of the Warsash Maritime Centre and Dr. Ian W. Dand,
Director of Hydrodynamics at the Haslar Marine Technology Park, near Portsmouth,
both in the UK.
The guide is being distributed free to all club members.
For further information, contact:
eric.murdoch@ctcplc.com
World Shipping Directory 2004-2005. GBP280. Published by Lloyds Register Fairplay. The latest edition containes more than 192,000 entries of which 71,000 represent companies, 52,000 represent contact names and 69,000 represent vessel details including name, ex-name, type, DWT, GRT, year of build, LOA, beam, draft, flag and service speed. Each volume is separated into separate sections, 19 in total which are handily indexed. An added bonus to purchasing this year's edition is that every subscriber will have access to the World Shipping Directory on line - a new web service providing up to date information.
If your (marine surveying) company has a web site, let us know and we will try to mention it. Below are some web pages we believe might be useful to marine surveyors.
www.numast.org
Web site for the National Union of Marine Aviation and Shipping Transport
Officers who publish the monthly NUMAST Telegraph.
www.aimsurveyors.com.au
Web site for the Australian Institute of Marine Surveyors.
www.friendsreunited.co.uk
Here you can register some personal information, together with your school/college
and the year you left to go on to greater things. You can also enter your
nickname in school, which class you were in, your mates' names and what
you've done since leaving. You may be one day surprised to receive a message
out of the blue from an old school chum.
www.marine-society.org
The Marine Society is a worthy marine charity offering many services to
mariners.
www.imo.org
International Maritime Organisation web page. Keep up to date with new
conventions.
www.lrfairplay.com
Scroll down the home page until you see the heading 'Free Access' appear
on the left hand side. Clicking on the words 'shipping sites' takes you
to a search function. You can then search either by company name or by
category (there is a 'consultants and surveyors' category, for example)
or by country. Or by a combination - so you could search for consultants/surveyors
in Australia beginning with the letter 'D', for example.
That pulls up a list; if you then click on the word 'free' in the right hand column you are linked through to the relevant website.
If your readers know of any companies with sites that we do not list (or that we have an out-of-date address for) we would like to have details to update the database.
http://www.acms-usa.com/
The Association of Certified Marine Surveyors
www.equasis.org
Database containing safety-related information on the worlds merchant
fleet from both public and private sources. Gives ship's particulars,
Class Soc, P&I Club and PSC inspection record. Very useful for surveyors
looking for vessel particulars before carrying out a survey.
The Federation
of European Maritime Associations of Surveyors and Consultants
International Institute
of Marine Surveyors
General access
to the directory of the world network of Lloyd's Agents.
Merchant
Navy records on UK MN vessels and information merchant seamen, logs, agreements
and crew lists, MN apprentices and deaths at sea
Marine
Support On Line
Society of Accredited
Marine Surveyors
National Association
of Marine Surveyors
Safety at Sea International
Society of Consulting Marine
Engineers and Ship Surveyors
Society of Naval Architects
and Marine Engineers.
None this month.
IMO regularly updates its web page with new and amended conventions:
http://www.imo.org/
Here you can browse through the various publications that are available
and buy those which interest you. To navigate the publications you can
either select one of the categories or use the advanced search.
If you have a marine related conference coming up, why not let us know
so that we can mention it below?
6/7 July 2004. The 16th complete guide to Time & Voyage Charterparties
International Time Charterparties Seminar. LMA Suite, London
www.lloydslistevents.com/
8/9 July 2004. International Voyage Charterparties Seminar, LMA Suite,
London
www.lloydslistevents.com/
27 - 30 July 2004. 12th International Congress on Marine Corrosion and
Biofouling, University of Southampton, United Kingdom. Organisers: Royal
Institution of Naval Architects (RINA) and the University of Southampton
Tel: +44 20 7235 4622, Fax: +44 20 7259 5912
E-mail: MCB12@ses.soton.ac.uk
4/5 August 2004. International Maritime & Port Security Conference
2004. Grand Copthorne Waterfront Hotel, Singapore. Contact: yuhtyan.lew@ibcasia.com.sg
23 to 27 August 2004. Background to Shipping - A Comprehensive Overview
of the Structure and Framework of the Maritime Industry. Lloyd's Maritime
Academy, London
www.lloydslistevents.com/
7 - 10 September 2004. 'ODESSA 210' - 6th International Exhibition/Symposium
on Shipping, Shipbuilding, Passenger Terminal and Concert-Exhibition Hall,
Odessa Marine Terminal, Odessa, Ukraine. Organisers: Sudohodstvo Media
Center
Tel: +380 728 79 30, Fax: +380 728 71 46
E-mail: expo2@smc.odessa.ua
URL: www.smc.odessa.ua
8 - 10 September 2004. Ballast Water and Wastewater Treatment Aboard Ships
and in Ports, Hotel Landgut Horn, Bremen, Germany. Organisers: Eule&Partners
- Maritime Conferences
Tel: +49 4461 98 65 55
E-mail: Lonicer@T-online.de
URL: euleandpartners.com
13/14 September 2004. 14th Annual Ship Management Conference 2004 Embracing
the Challenges and Responsibilities of Today's Global Shipping Environment
The Hawaii Grand Hotel, Limassol, Cyprus
www.lloydslistevents.com/
8 - 11 December 2004. MARITIMA, Paris, France.
http://www.reedexpo.com/
3 - 5 May 2005, Cruise+Ferry 2005 incorporating Superyacht V Design, Construction
and Operation For Passenger Shipping, Earls Court Two, London, UK. Lloyds
List Events. http://www.lloydslistevents.com/
Some maritime conference web sites for you to keep up to date:
http://www.cconnection.org/
http://www.reedexpo.com/
http://www.grc.uri.edu/
http://www.wholelife.com/
http://www.ship-technology.com/exhibitions/
http://www.apmaritime.com/
http://www.lloydslistevents.com/
http://www.marineexpo.com/
http://www.seaworkexhibition.com
http://www.toc-events.com/
A Poem for Computer Users over 50......
A Computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A Window was something you hated to clean
And Ram was the father of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And Gig was a job for the night
Now they all mean different things
And that really Mega Bytes.
An Application was for employment
A Program was a TV show
A Cursor used profanity
A Keyboard was a piano.
A Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you Unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log On was adding wood to the fire
Hard Drive was a long trip on the road
A Mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a Backup happened to your commode.
Cut's what you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A Web was a spider's home
And a Virus was the flu.
Guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the Memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a Computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.
Commentator gaffs.
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male Astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away.:
"My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
STEVE Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude:
"There's something big growing between my legs."
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Liive
said:"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
US PGA Commentator :
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics : "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."
Metro Radio: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field"
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977: "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
New Zealand Rugby Commentator "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator:
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
And not forgetting Cricket
"The bowler's Holding the batsman's Willey"
Art Appreciation
Couples attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a painting that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.
After the curator left, a Welsh man approached the couple and said, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”
“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Welsh coal-miners. The only difference is, the guy in the middle went home for lunch."
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